A detour on the journey....

Well, this sure is a journey where the unexpected happens!

This week I've been in hospital quite unexpected! I had a blood clot on my right lung and breathing was darn right difficult and painful. I have been having breathlessness, but this was breathlessness dizzy feelings, weakness and near collapse!

I was going for my weekly massage at the Centre for Integrative Care at the Cancer Centre and told the practitioner what was going on - out came the stethoscope to my lungs and she said "I think you got a clot on your lungs,dear, and I'm going to send you upstairs to the Nurse and then to the doctor.
So by 4.00 p.m Monday I was in hospital, the scans indeed showed up a clot and I have been having intravenous blood thinners and been under observation since then. Apparently this is all a side effect of the treatment I am having and and is now something I am living with!

For someone who has never been sick, this is all a totally new experience - I've rarely taken medication and now I am being pumped up with blood thinners, pain killers and blood pressure medication and thats how my life is now. It all feels so strange and over the past 8 months a different person is emerging! Physically I look totally different,not only the new silver grey hairdo but also I have got very skinny - but more than the physical appearance I notice that my priorities in life are changing and what I used to get het up about - seems less important now. What matters is being on a healing journey of self discovery arriving at a place of total acceptance of what is.

In all of this I am so truly grateful and blessed to have the support I do, my friends are amazing and just there - they call themselves the Sisters of the Extended Hearts - my room is full of flowers and perfumes and my experience is that I am not in hospital but in a comfortable hotel!
The staff at the hospital here are extraordinary and I have personal care - they ask "What do you want, "Is there anything I can get you" . I have always been so independent and indeed to let anyone contribute to me has occurred like a weakness and that I cant take care of myself. The nurses are so loving and caring - it's remarkable!

So part of this journey is being contributed to and I'm seeing that allowing people to contribute to me is a contribution to them - and I have never looked at it that way before. My view has been that I would be "obligated" and lose a sense of freedom. Where that comes from I dont know - though there is some of the British independence and stoicism there, I'm sure!

I was thinking today that it seems like my life has become about medication, doctors, turmoil, fear sadness and loss of control. Then I realised this is my mind going crackers - really I do have a life threatening illness - but my life is about love, contribution, friendship, family. There is a lot of colour and joy in my life, a lot of caring and comfort and thats really whats so. And for all of that and for all of you I am truly blessed to have you in my life!

Until next week, lots of love
Suuz xoxoxo
powersource246@hotmail.com